this is so fucked up

I havnt been this upset in a long time i made the mistake of talking to shit head and trying to be nice to him

i dont know why i do it he always turns it around on me and makes me feel like shit

he says he has love for another girl

i dont know how many times i have to tell him i dont want him back i just want to talk but he still thinks im trying to get back with him .in a way hes right i am trying but not right now. not even this year i never want him back.i dont think that made much sense. I dont want to be with him now or any time soon.but in my heart i know we will find each other later in life.

i guess it just kills me to know that of the 3 people in my  life who have loved me 2 of them walked out. my dad and him. he says he still thinks of me from time to time but he cant have me back in his life. we dont mix. wich i can agree with . we dont mix at all. It sucks having some one who understands you so well. probably the only person in the world who understand my insides and outs and can tell everything about me from my eye colors down to where every last freckle on my body is. can pretend to not miss me so much. I know how he feels and he lies. i know he lies because his answers change from "no i dont miss you dont need you" to "i think about you some times" to "i do miss you" its one big fucked up game that i got good at playing, beat him and now he doesn't wanna play any more.  so he tells me tonight he misses my dad ok cool. and that he has a drinking problem" he cant help it he just cant say no to alcohol" ok cool well its funny you never drank when we were together. and its even better that your girl friend who "loves" you is going to let you drink your life away. So please dont get me wrong since i lost shit head  i have had one of the sexiest nicest most caring people come into my life. hes amazing and i dont ever want to lose him.  It's just my heart feels empty im missing something and i dont know what it is. I have an amazing person who would never do me wrong right here in my life. but for some fucking gay reason i am crying over a shitty boy who has sex with every girl he says hi to and cant find the time of day to talk to me. but he misses me sometimes. and loved me 2 weeks ago. its all pretty fcuked up and stupid. i think the whole thing is dumb. why do i think about some one so fucking lame. like really what do i need to do to stop thinking about him? i have the most amazing person right in front of me but my heart still has a hole. i make my self look dumb crying to him. he  probably gets the wrong idea. and still doesnt understand that all im doing is trying to be his friend. he keeps saying " rebeca you have a man" like trying to make it seem like i did the wrong thing.  ughghghdgfk;lfgdhfdgz HE MAKES ME SO FUCKING MAD. well writing this made me stop crying. i now have to try and sleep. Parker i should have listened to you. hes not worth the time. your the only man i need in my life. i hope you can understand my frustration and relies if i had one wish it would be to stop loving him so i could give my WHOLE heart to you and not just most of it. your all ineed. and at times its probably hard and very confusing i know if i was you i would wonder if i was being true or not. you have to understand i am. but i cant ignore my feelings. this was sucha waste of my time to even write about him. but for sanity i had to get it out.