valeriam root 22

My mom is an herbalist and doesnt like the way doctors seem to have a quick fix for everything.

well any ways i have an herb that should put a blanket of de-stress on me. its an herb that takes away anxiety and then when taken more it helps people to sleep. I went out an bought it today at the herb shop and i started taking it. you have to start by taking one pill and seeing how it effects you. well one did nothing to me so i moved up when i could and blah blah its not having an effect one me and m disappointed and scared that i wont make it till my doctors appointment i cant stand being trapped inside my own  head.

im so mad at my self 21

So i had a mental break down about 7 days ago

i lost all control my body over took  my brain and i had no idea what was going on

i made stupid mistakes and i am more than so mad at myself i hate my self and i cant live like this any more.

I went to my councilor and requested a emergency consult with a doctor

my councilor thinks i have bipolar disorder or manic depression? i dont know much about this all i know is they are the same thing. and that the doctor will be able to help me out alot more. i just have to wait to visit him in another week. 

I hope something changes before then or atleast that i can make it till then because i really want to fix everything in my life and not fight my self any more.

Grr 20

So Work Is So confusing 

Life Is So Confusing I have no idea about anything and I know nothing

I need to start going to a gym my back is so broken and the chiropractor  says its because i have to tone my muscles. Im so lazy this is going to be hard. I do so much at work that i have no motivation to go to the gym at the end of the day. I would go before work but since i dont ever sleep that is not going to happen.

please save me once again

you bother me.

so much.

19

when your young everything feels like the end

some one told me that today and I hope its true. 

I hope as  get older i will feel like i have more control

and that life will become less stressful and i myself will be able to deal with things more easily.

he doesnt want 2 18

I have relised i have changed.

just because some one understand you inside and out.

just because some one know ever last secret about you

because they know exactly how to make every thing better

or exactly how to make everything worse

just because they are your best friend.

doesnt mean THEY WANT to do any of those things.

doesnt mean  THEY WANT to have those powers.

sickness 17

I dunno maybe you dont really read this any more.

but i know you do.

i hope you do.

i know you are.

and i hope that this very moment you get that sinking feeling in your stomach look at your phone and

hesitate to call

because all hope is lost

im sick

inside

and out

lost

fearful

and regretful

Im waiting 16

sickness 15

This is for all the times the poems weren't about you

Because now they are all about you

This IS confusion of my brain.

I know none of this is right or true 

Its like a magic trick 

at this moment its real

But In the end its all a trick

14

Its like you want to call some one but you are afraid they wont answer

but what would you say on the answering machine.

Its like you want to email some one 

but what if they dont write back?

Its like I Love you

but im scared you dont feel the same

Any more

13

I AM HAVING A SMALL PROBLEM WITH THE FACT THAT I SEEM TO MAKE STUPID DISCIONS OVER AND OVER AGAIN.  I AM EVEN MORE UPSET THAT THEY ARE THE SAME MISTAKES OVER AND OVER AGAIN. WILL I EVER LEARN?