So I had to write 50 entries on a blog for school. That's why I have pointless entries that are not what I would usually write. My teacher said my usual entries were to personal and that they might interfere with getting a job or into another school

49

So I havnt actually been on a real computer in a while iv been on my cell phone writing on my blog. Ok well when i signed on to my computer onto blogger it says i didn't confirm my cell phone thing so none of my blogs i have written in the past month have been posted.... sweeet. so i confirmed and it posted them because luckily they were heled in cyber space. The only bad thing is that they are in the wrong order ( some of them) at least they are all there in some order. I just re ordered them and made them go in order.. never mind confusing my life is a blur.

49

So I have been so fed up with  my new black berry storm that i took it back today! I went in and told them all the problems all Verizon could say was i had to adapt a learn to use it. I told them it was not ok that it would eat my emails freeze and loss my information and pictures. They said i could return it and get my money back i told them i wanted a phone that could do everything i needed but that worked well and they recommended a blackberry curve. I bought the curve and love it! it was also 100 dollars less. who doesn't love that? cheaper and betttter!

48

I Dont feel pretty today

At all

I have been on the medication for about 4 weeks and I havnt noticed any difference yet

I hope I will soon

Well any way I love this picture I have no idea why At alllllll i just really really like it.

47

This here is on some truthful shit
It seems like everything I do, your used to it
And I hate hearing stories bout who you've been with
Swear I gotta hide, what I'm feelin inside
So you still think I'm confident and dumb
Is this gonna last? Your up on a pedastal
Are we moving too fast?
Feel like I'm in crazy competition with the past
That's why I gotta ask, is anything I'm doin brand new?

46

the music in my head is so calm
the feeling of your soft warm skin
the smell of cigarette smoke and cologne fills the air
as you kiss my lips my world slows down
I feel the leak in my heart being repaired 
and my heart filling with love

LOVE

I feel my brain telling me no
that soon enough the repair will break 
and once again my heart will will ache 
be drained and empty

45

D-d-d-d-damn what did i consume
Somethin spinnin fast either me or it's the room
I bet you it's the room cause i don't do no drugs
Or maybe it's that 'tron cause i sure do have a buzz
Baby either way i'm throwed and i am on a mission
So if ya ears a virgin id advise you not to listen
Cause this xxxx isn't couchere and this xxxx isn't christian
It's that muthafuckin heat you can find up in kitchen
Girl holla at yo nigga i got that xxxx for low
Ok maybe i don't but guarantee someone i know
Wait let me slow it down (down) i'm gettin ahead (head)
Plus it's gettin hot so i'm a take a seat instead (stead)
I'm lucky i ain't dead (dead) i'm on a rollercoaster ride ya'll
We all of age and i ain't got nothin to hide ya'll
And in this game i'm a tidal when the tides small
So drop me in and i release just like a time bombevery record that i've done the station hear em play it
This the city that i run this the xxxx that i created
They tellin me i'm the one and i haven't even made it
Maybe i'm hearin thangs cause i'm feelin like i'm faded

44

i havnt written in a couple days sorrrry

nothing really has changed at allll my dad is still at gosnold he is expected to be there a week its been like 4 days. i havnt heard anything from him yet. I hope i ill hear from him soon, with my luck he escaped and is in Utah by now.

kim his girl friend has been going there every day asking to see him and they keep tellling her NO. I am beinging to think she has more of a problem than my dad. She is like so dense i dont get what she doesn't get! I wouldn't be surprised is she pretends she is a drunk just to get into Gosnold and see him.

43

Im going so crazy i need to work, i can not wait till summmmmmmer is hereee!

I just want to be tan dark black and ahh sit in the sun all day.

I want to swim and feel the sand in my toes everyday!

42

alright so i have had the worst day of my life. Ok not worste but most emotional. so much hapened ill just make like a list it will be easier. 

Went to my dads

Hes sober

His friend john is there

John and my dad tell me about how he was rude at the hospital kicked spit and called the doctors names

My dads girlfriend is pissed and confused and fed up so she hasnt yet called him since she left last night.

My dad clearly needs some one to help him with his medical shit and it cant be a girl friend who is going to keep leaving when things get hard

Some guy who i hate brought my dad shots 

I relised his problem is seriouse and he needs help TODAY

I go and talk to his other friends who were at his work (where he lives)

Every one thinks he should be taken to some sort of detox or sober house

Everyone knows he wont listen to any one but me

I call every where from here to plymouth

Hes to drunk by now to talk to any one and no one will take him unless we commit him

Untill gosnold is willing to talk to me and get him in today

he has been to gosnold before and it hasnt worked but im going to try again

Its all i can do he needs help today

I convince him to go

I pack his bag

He calls his girlfriend she is pissed but i dont care my dad needs help hes going to die!

We get in my car and drive there

He is still fighting trying not to go and getting scared

I have now been trying to convince him to get help for about 6 hours  i have been crying for about 4 and im about to fall asleep

After some more hours and a very tiring ride my dad is in and im home and blach blah a bunch of bull and my dads girl friend yelling and screaming and being a bitch because she doesnt understand my dad is sick

she is selfish bye

41

Alright so i went to the casino  last night mind you the casino is in Rhode Island and thats a good hour and a half away from cape cod. ok well i guess my drunk ass father hadnt been feeling to well and he was drunk and fell out of bed onto his sement floor. Well he was feeling a little sick and dizzy more so than just from being drunk so his girl friend thought she should bring him to the hospital. well he was drunk and he has many mental problems so she knew he would be committed and so did he so he refused to go. one of my dads friends told his girl friend he would convince my dad to go as long as she called me and told me what was going on just incase he was committed and i didnt get to see him or have a say in it. When she called me i couldnt go because i was off cape but i told her she had my wishes and to just call me as soon as they had any news.

 well she never called its about 10 am and i have class im going to go to my dads after and find out what the fuck is going on.

40

The Heart Wants 

What The Heart Wants

It Wont Be Denied 

39

Steve invited me to go to a casino in Rhode Island with him today. I have never been to a casino before so i said yes i would love to go. i guess in Rhode Island you just have to be 18 to gamble. I have no idea what to expect at all. Im not going to bring to much money because im afraid i will lose it ha. i hope i win bigggg latttta

38

ctivities:

Eat, Sleep, Work, School.

Interests:

Art, Color, Tattoos, Piercings, Dogs, Clothes, Beach, Sunshine,Friends, Laughing, dancing, running, sleeping, old people,babyCelica, My mac, Stars.

Favorite Music:

I Like It All
Lil' Wayne For President ♥

Favorite TV Shows:

I don't watch much t.v but when I do Cartoons Baby.

Favorite Movies:

40 year old virgin, Super Bad, Dan In Real life, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Milo and Otis, juno, jumper. Those are the only movies i ever seen never mind my favorites.

Favorite Books:

I Don't Know How To Read. True Story.

Favorite Quotations:

Don't be reckless with peoples hearts,and don't put up with people being reckless with yours.

About Me:

Names Becca
I Go To Barnstable High/4c's.
School Sucks.
I Live Wit My Mom.
I'm An Only Child.
I Get What I Want..Always.
I'm Loud and outgoing.
I'm Pretty Slow, And A Bit Lazy.
Sushi Addiction♥ 
I Love Being touched.
Being Kissed.
Being Loved.
Laughing Till I Cant Breath.
I Don't Drink
I Don't Smoke
I Love Just Havin A Good Time.
I Gots My Own Style.
Bright Crazy Colors.
Spit or Blood that isn't mine Makes Me Puke.
Freak If I Even See Lemon Seeds.
I Have No patients.
And I Get Mad Easily.
Im a sexy bitch.
I'd Say Im Just Honest.
I'm a Very Jealous Person.
I Get Very Up Set Over Small Things.
I Care A lot About About What People Think Of Me.
I HATE Drama,But It Seems To Always Find Me.
I Don't Know What I Would Do Wit Out Those Few True People In My Life.I Love You All And Thank You So Much
♥ 

37

im just so fucking depressed 
i just cant seem to get out this slump 
if i could just get over this hump 
but i need something to pull me out this dump 
i took my bruises took my lumps 
fell down and i got right back up 
but i need that spark to get psyched back up 
in my shoes, just to see 
what its like, to be me 
ill be you, lets trade shoes 
just to see what id be like 
to feel your pain, you feel mine 
go inside eachothers minds 
just to see what we'd find 
look at shit through eachothers eyes 
it dont matter saying you aint beautiful 
they can all get fucked just stay true to you 
dont matter saying you aint beautiful 
they can all get fucked just stay true to you 

i think im starting to lose my sense of humor 
everythings so tense and gloom 
i almost fee like i gotta check the temperature of the room just as soon as i walk in 
its like all eyes on me i try to avoid any contact 
cuz if i do that then it opens the door for conversation like i want that 
im not looking for extra attention i just want to be just like you 

36

so its been a few days and i have been on the medication i feel very dizy and kind of out of it. I think im going to go back to the hospital in a few minutes and have a little chit chat with the doctor because i have a feeling i shouldnt be feeling like this, especially when im only on the first and lowest dose.

I just want to feel better

35

Just left the hospital and after talking with a medical prescriber or what ever she is me my mom and me came up with a medication for my mood disorder that will seem to work. it has very few side affects and doesn't interfere with my birth-control. well any ways i take it before bed so if i have any side effects i will sleep threw them. I will double my dose every 2 weeks until i reach 100 mg. lets just cross our fingers.

34

im waiting in the waiting room of the ergent care unit at cape cod hospital. its kind weird there are weird people and just going by their appearance i feel like this isnt a place i want to be. the woman just said its a 3 hour wait so i think me and my mom are going to go and come back.i would really like some ice coffee so thats probably what we will go do. im so like anxious to go in and talk to some one.

33

So i woke up today feeling very shitty and my mom said i should go to the hospital ergent care center its a place that deals with mentally ill people but they dont keep you over night or anything. Im very scared but im going to call and find out about it. i probably wont go today because she heard you have to wait a long time and its best to go in the morning. so maybe tomorrow morning i will go.

32

ok so i called the doctor she said that i should take the xannex still and i could take up to 4 pills and i should have some reaction. well i ddnt feel comfortable taking that much and what not so i just said i didnt want to take it at all and i would suffer. i feel like i should get some help but im scared at the same time.

31

I'm not sure what I have and havnt said so ill assume I havnt said whAt I'm about to say. Ha my phone is confuding and I have no idea how to loo at past posts. So I went to a docotr and she started me on xannox or whatever how ever you spell it. Today wasn't when I went to the docotor just some time with in the last few days. So any ways she told me to take it as needed. Well the xannex hasnt semmed to be working and I'm kind of scared. I'm going to call the docotor.

30

So today me and steve started talking again he texted me and said he misses me and he feel extremely bad for abandoning me at such a hard time in my life. I'm a softy so of course I acted like nothing was wrong. My guard is defiantly up and I'm very scared he isn't going to understand anything about what's going on in my life. I wish he had never left that was I wouldn't have to exPlain everything that he missed over again. I told him we should talk in person and my mind is racing so ill let you know how it goes if I do even end up seeing him. Wish mE luck!

29

I  totally forgot to write for a while so there is alot going on and im not sure what i left out and to be honest i dont know if ican even remember what i did in the past few days ha. im very tired i was trying to fall asleep and watching tv on my computer when i saw my blogger book mark and had to just type. ill type more tomorrow. if i remember.

28

I went to verizon to and they gave me the same phone just a new one. Im very happy. I found that web site and it said if you cut a busness card and put it between the battery and the battery cover in the back that it makes the screen respond and click better. I did it and it works perfect.

so i had to go to the dentist this morning and i hate the dentist so on my way out all flustered i dropped my phone. and i took it to verizon to have them look at it and i told them about the business card trick. they said that shouldnt happen and they gave me a new one.

27

ok research paper is done and due tomorrow. 

i miss steven and i dont even feel like im whole

my body is separate from my mind and this needs to be over soon.

fuckk  this phone seriously the screen isnt clicking right at all im going to go find a web site i heard about its all stuff about blackberrys and tips and tricks. maybe there is  something usefull on there that will help me make it not so fucking annoying.

26

I havnt been feeling well at all i need some help and i need it soon.

i want to crawl out of my own body 

im not sure how that would look

or what i would see

maybe i would see a different side of me

so lost but so full

to many thoughts 

but i cant find the ones i want

like one big junk draw

25

I have been working on this research paper, it due soon and i have never written a research paper and im kinda freaking out. I have about 900 words out of 1500 and an interview that i have no idea how to fit in.  I have a few days so it should all work out.

This phone is very hard to type on and im not sure if i love it or not yet. sad sad. well i need some sleep now night night.